More Client Feedback

I have increasingly over the last few years acted for parents who have separated before their child is born or conceived the baby whilst not in a relationship. This creates the additional challenge of having to learn how to co-parent from day one without having witnessed the bond the other parent has with the child. Miss A has provided a frank and honest summary which I hope will assist. I aslo hope that in future a Dad will share his perspective. One thing my clients acknowledge is it really helps to try and see the other parent’s point of view so I hope this will be useful to Mums and Dads.

"I am a single mother and have been since I was 5 weeks pregnant. My toddler’s father is actively involved in her life. I wanted to write this article, as I used to think that my story was unique and therefore my emotions were. But the more I talk to other single mothers, the more I realise that there are some similarities between other single mothers and myself even though are experiences are different. But the emotions are so strong and so primal; I thought it may help for others to hear what it is was like for me.

I think fear is the number one emotion that goes through my body, and shreds my mind when I think about how I feel about my toddler’s father and what our access arrangement may be like in the future.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and my toddler’s father wanted me to have a termination. After realising that I wasn’t going to, he soon changed to wanting to be hugely part of her life. From an outsider’s perspective, this is such a good thing and although I recognised it even at the time and asked him to come to the 20 week scan, I also felt fear.

I didn’t want him to be at the birth (although he did visit a few hours after she was born). I wanted to protect my baby as I saw him very much as a threat. I remember someone saying that it must feel like I was running from a pack of wolves, with my baby in my arms, and I had to run to protect her; and this was exactly how I felt.

Perhaps because by allowing him to spend time with my new baby, I was allowing my baby to be without me. It goes against mothering instinct and is compounded by two things, one that I didn’t trust him and two, that through solicitor’s advice I was cautious of setting a precedence that I later may not feel comfortable with.

I was diagnosed with depression when she was 6 months caused by a lack of agreement over access of our daughter. I was lucky to have such a strong family around me and found an excellent psychotherapist and reluctantly, but now thankfully, took antidepressants.

My toddler started having overnight stays with her father shortly after her second birthday. I genuinely thought I would lose a part of her when these started, as I would not be able to protect her when she was most vulnerable at nights. I delayed and delayed as much as I could but eventually the day when they started, came. I remember texting a friend when I was reunited with my daughter the day after her first sleepover, saying I was quite astonished that the world was still moving.

Breast feeding for me has been such a saviour. I am still breastfeeding my active toddler now and it is an important tool as to how I mother her. After that first night away from me, she breastfed for ages, whilst I sung and marvelled at her. It is how we reconnect again. It hasn’t interrupted our breastfeeding by her spending time away, although I know he does struggle to get her to sleep (as I breastfeed her to sleep) and my breasts often get lumpy as the milk builds up. If anything, I feel she benefits from it more as it is a way for her to reconnect with me.

Going to my local Le Leche League (LLL) meeting and support from my LLL leader was also a lifeline, as it gave me an environment to be the mother I was, and the anominity from being with people who perhaps didn’t know I was a single mother.

I am still fearful about the future, but less so. It really does get better. She can communicate her feelings to both of us and I know she does come back to me. I do still panic about the future, particularly when we are negotiating access –I again feel like I am losing her. But now when I panic about the future, I try to remind myself to focus on the present as in the future when she spends a weekend away, she will have changed and hopefully be better prepared for it."