Do’s and don’ts when dealing with children post separation

Do remember it will get easier for you and for them.

Don’t, or at least  try not to, spend too much time thinking about the long term position.  Family dynamics do change. People often look back and say to me that they spent ages worrying about something that they thought would happen in years to come, which is now not going to.

Do remind yourself when considering arrangements how much you love your children and that you need to do what is going to be best for them long term.

Don’t allow yourself to dwell on negative feelings that you have towards the other parent regarding your own relationship when considering proposed arrangements for the children.

Do think about things from the other parent’s point of view.  Try and empathise with what their biggest fear is likely to be which you are probably in a better position to know than anyone else.

Don’t use your children to “get at” your ex.  I have had clients admit to me that they have done this in the past and feel awful about it now.  By contrast those who really have managed to put aside their own feelings (and I know this is not easy) do feel a sense of pride looking back on how unselfish they have been, and this is something which the other parent often also acknowledges.

Do think about how arrangements will work in practice for your children and if there are aspects that will be difficult for them (for example handovers where both parents are present) how these can be minimised.

Don’t focus on your own rights but think about the children’s.  The recent Family Justice Review ruled out recommending a presumption in favour of equal or shared parenting.  This was not because it is not recognised that for some children this is the best course of action, but because it was recognised that the majority of children living with parents who are happily married do not spend equal time with each parent.  It was felt it would be wrong to try and impose this as the norm following separation.  Children’s memories are selective, think back on your own childhood how much you remember about the mundane day to day stuff as compared to one off activities or events attended.

Do consider how involved the extended family have been and how this will work in future.  Grandparents are often very concerned that they will lose their relationship following separation and if they have helped historically for example with baby sitting or child care after school it may be in the children’s best interest to have this continuity.

Don’t use the separation as an excuse to try and ostracise the annoying in-laws, however tempting.  I have spoken to adults who lost contact with grandparents following separation and were then very distressed to hear of subsequent deaths which led to negative feelings towards the parent they held responsible. 

Do try and, so far as is possible, adopt similar values as when you were together.

Don’t suddenly allow the children to stay up later, spend more time on computer games or socialise with people who were disapproved of when you were together.  If however you did have different attitudes towards things such as religion or discipline whilst together then there is no reason why you should not continue to adopt different practices now you are separated as this is what the children are used to and will probably expect. 

Do try and earn brownie points with your ex by for example ensuring homework is done if it comes home on your night, hair is brushed (you would not believe how often this issue comes up) and clothes are clean.  I remember one case where the husband suddenly made a big concession in their financial settlement even though it was against my and his barrister’s advice because his wife had made the effort to put the children in dresses his mother had given (even though he knew she hated them) when they were attending a family event with him. 

Don’t make negative comments about the other parent or their family in front of the children.  There is often temptation following separation to confide in particularly older children but this is not their role and can cause big issues later on. 

Do consider the other parent when making arrangements.  It is more likely that umbrage will be taken if you present with a fait accompli (we are going skiing February half term, you can have the May one). Ask what the other parent wants.  You may find that there is less overlap than you envisaged.

Don’t ask the children to choose and don’t involve them for example telling them they now cannot go on holiday because of the other parent. 

Do buy presents and cards "from the children" for the other parent when children are young and give them money to buy when they are older. If you find it hard or difficult to choose then something the children have made eg frame a picture they have drawn of the other parent or a hand print in clay that can be used to keep things in are pretty safe but appreciated ideas in my experience

Don't cross the ex in laws off your Christmas card list.  Let the children sign the cards and send them off early.

Finally, remember it is not always easy.  Parenting apart does bring new issues but do remember that it is not unusual for people to disagree on parenting styles and have to reach compromises even when they are living together.  I do recommend in the recommended reading section the Christina McGee book Parenting Apart and this has many more suggestions including dealing with children at different ages.  If your separation has been acrimonious do remind yourself of her words “do you love your children more than you hate your ex?”.  If you do keep a diary, make sure you record the times when you have resolved things easily as well as when things have been difficult and look back at these as a reminder.