As a family lawyer, one of the hardest situations I have to deal with is resolving issues for a couple where one of them desperately wants a reconciliation and the other is adamant the marriage is over.
This is not an unusual situation. Very often the person who makes a decision to end a marriage has had months to think about it, plan his or her future life and take informal and formal advice. The other party may be blissfully unaware as to what is about to happen. That person is then in a position of trying to manage the full range of emotions including those associated with bereavement, and if someone else is involved jealousy.
My role as a family lawyer is to assist, sensitively manage the issues following separation rather than to assist a couple to achieve a reconciliation. However, I do regularly refer couples to organisations such as Relate who can assist.
In my experience reconciliations are rarely successful if one person has truly moved on, be it to another relationship or just emotionally decided the marriage is over. If, however, both of the couple feel that they have just drifted apart and not made enough effort, then I think a marriage can be saved. In such circumstances I would suggest the following tips:
1 Work through the issues that have arisen with a counsellor who is trained to help you learn from past mistakes, without apportioning blame.
2 Make time to get to know each other again. This is particularly important if, for example, a particular hobby or young children have meant the relationship itself has not been given priority. Have “date nights” (these do not have to be expensive meals out but can be simply sitting down at the table and eating together with the television switched off).
3 Take up a hobby together that you both think you will enjoy.
4 Stop comparing your marriage to “everyone else’s”. As a family lawyer I commonly hear that friends of a couple will be surprised to hear that their marriage is over because they are always “Mr and Mrs Perfect” at dinner parties. People are rarely honest even when their marriage is in difficulty and often put in that extra bit of effort to keep up the facade when they attend events with their extended social network. If you compare yourself to the façade you will always feel inadequate.
