A recent survey showed 42% of grandparents lose contact with their grandchildren after a divorce. This is a depressing statistic for both the grandparents and grandchildren involved.
Here are some practical tips for grandparents in these situations to hopefully ensure they remain a valued part of the family:
1 Do not take sides
It is hard for any parent to see that their own child might have behaved badly, or even if this is acknowledged, to avoid trying to justify it. It is very easy for divorce to bring out the worse in a couple who are separating and easy for things to be said in anger that are never taken back.
2 In the event that you find you have breached rule 1 above, all is not lost. Reach out to both parties, write a letter apologising for becoming involved. Make it clear that you do not want to take sides, but rather provide support to the whole family going forward and will try and avoid such discussions in future.
3 Be useful
A couple who are separating may well take advantage of offers for free child care. Both parents normally want the children on Christmas Day but rarely argue about who has them on New Years Eve! If you are prepared to have the children when neither of their parents can, and for no charge, you may well find yourself very popular.
4 Support the children
Even parents who are determined to put their children first will find, as all parents do, that at times they get it wrong. Time to spend on homework or a school project may be limited if they are having to prepare documents for their solicitors or court. Offer to help by taking the children to the local library, museum or just sitting and listening to them read so that their parents can get on with other issues.
5 Be there for the children, but get the balance right
Children who are confused following their parents decision to separate often confide in a grandparent. Grandparents are an obvious choice as someone the children have learned to trust over the years. If the children do confide in you, answer their questions as honestly as you can, but ensure that you have set boundaries with their parents. If, for example, one parent has met someone else and the children have not been told, it is not your place to discuss this, even if the children ask.
6 Provide information
There are several support groups available to parents who are separating, many of which focus on the children, for example, Resolution’s “Parenting after Parting” courses. Do some research and obtain details of solicitors who are able to offer mediation and collaborative law (both of which encourage a couple to resolve issues putting the children first). It may also be useful to get leaflets for the organisations such as Relate and children’s charities who can assist.
7 Do not be embarrassed
Finally, do not get embarrassed that you find yourself in this position. In the same way as a divorcing couple need the support of close friends, it is important that you have people who understand how upset you may be and can support you. Offer encouragement, but avoid getting what solicitors call “pub advice” and if you cannot resist, do not pass it on. Your role is not to sort things out, but to support the whole family as they manage the transition from one home to two.
