Inevitably you or your ex-partner will meet someone new. I often find clients refuse to believe this when I see them at the first meeting. Very rarely am I proved wrong – I am not aware of any former clients who have wanted to and haven’t and plenty who haven’t wanted to and have! Assuming the new partner is going to be a fairly permanent fixture in your life then you will undoubtedly want to introduce your children. There are no rights and wrongs, each family is different but here are some suggestions which I hope will make it easier for you, your child(ren) and your ex-partner.
1. Children know more than we think and don’t like it if they think secrets are being kept from them. If you suddenly start going out more than you did or shutting the door to make phone calls they will pick up on this. We all know how exciting, particularly the first three months, of a new relationship can be. Most of us, for example, admit to making more effort with appearances than we would normally but if your children do pick up on this you will need to give an explanation. Do be prepared for them to talk to the other parent about this and if you have good lines of communication open then your ex may appreciate hearing about it from you rather than your child.
2. It is always a thorny issue for family lawyers as to at what point it is appropriate to introduce a new partner. I have dealt with extremes of cases from where the new partner has been introduced before the ex (to be) has even been told that their relationship is over to cases where people have waited two years at their ex’s request. I think this issue is particularly difficult when the new partner is the reason or perceived as the reason for the breakdown of the relationship. If possible I would suggest talking to your ex before you talk to the children just so that they are prepared.If you go ahead and introduce without telling them do be prepared for grief afterwards. Think what the impact will be on your children if they unwittingly tell their parent and have to cope with the extreme reaction.
3. When it comes to actually introducing your children to your new partner I suggest a neutral location away from home. Ideally an activity that will distract from what can be a slightly awkward situation for all. Do something that will enable everyone to get involved and have fun. I have generally had good feedback about bowling as a first activity but not if your new partner thrashes your children!
4. If the relationship moves on and you are planning on cohabiting do think about how this is going to work day to day. Depending on the age of your children consider what conflicts there will be from whether it’s CBeebies that’s watched on television as opposed to the news or for older children a sudden extra demand on the morning hot water/time available in the bathroom. Review with your children how it is going and make sure they know that their views matter. Equally do not feel that you need to sacrifice your future happiness to keep your children happy. All of you need to move forward and children generally are adaptable.
5 Do not allow your children to feel that their parent is being replaced. Ideally you want them to believe that the new relationship is not an issue for your ex (not always possible) Some children, in time, do take to calling a step-parent a name as if they are a real parent. One of my daughter’s friends explained to me in very simple terms that she now had two daddies but calls one “dad” and one “daddy”. To her this made complete sense. Her main reason being that she did not like having to explain why she called her step father his first name as her friends thought this was “strange”. I know as a family lawyer how hurtful my clients find it if a new partner suddenly seems to have the same or similar significance to them in their children’s eyes. Try and be sensitive to your ex’s feelings on this and emphasise to them that you do know it is an important issue. Do bear in mind that if there is a rivalry between a parent and a step-parent this is going to be a confusing and difficult issue for your child now and in the future. I cite as one example who should walk a daughter up the aisle? When considering these sorts of scenarios try and think about what would be best for your child which is generally the least conflict possible. Try and imagine how you would feel in your ex’s position and given their chararcteristics. What impact will this have on their behaviour towards your children and how can you help?
