WE ONLY STAY TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS
As a family lawyer I often see people who have made the decision that they will stay together for the sake of their children.
I am a Mediator and Collaborative Lawyer. Through both of these processes the emphasis is on promoting the children’s welfare.
I do believe that in some cases a couple can stay together and co-parent successfully despite the marriage having broken down.
If you are thinking of doing this then in my view it is important to have regard to the following:
1 Do you have an argumentative relationship?
2 If so are you going to be able to ensure heated arguments do not take place in front of the children?
3 Are you both free to date other people and how will things change if one of you meets a “significant other”?
4 Do the children want you to stay together? See further “Don’t stay together for the sake of the kids”.
5 Are you going to tell extended family and friends that this is what you are doing? If so ensure there is consistency and that those who have been told know whether or not this is to be common knowledge.
6 Agree clear boundaries. For example, whether you will socialise together and how the domestic chores will be divided. Note that for the purposes of a divorce petition on the basis of two year separation, if a couple are living together and sharing domestic life this will not count towards the period of separation, even if they have ceased having a physical relationship.
DON’T STAY TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS
15 years ago I often saw clients who told me that they were staying together for the sake of their children. Now I see an increasing number of clients who say they are not staying together for their sake. Very often the latter have had their own experience of marital breakdown whilst a child and either feel that living in acrimony was harder, or that they benefited from seeing their parents move on and after experience happier relationships.
If you do decide to separate then here are some suggesting to make it easier for the children:
1 If you cannot reach an agreement regarding the future co-parenting of the children or finances, resolve this with the help of a solicitor who is a mediator or collaborative lawyer. The training for both these methods of dispute resolution ensures the priority is the children.
2 If possible avoid dealing with difficult issues whilst the children are sitting important examinations or going through their own difficulties.
3 Be honest and open with the children and present a united front. People often delay telling the children, thinking it would be better to sit them down once everything is resolved. However, if the atmosphere at home is uncomfortable or awkward children may come to their own conclusion and exaggerate things inappropriately.
4 Ensure that the children’s school are aware of the position and that the children have access to someone they can talk to, be it a teacher or counsellor recommended through the school.
If you think your child is likely to confide in a particular friend then explain the situation to the friend’s parent and ask them to let you know if they have any concerns or worries.
5 Agree what you are going to do about introducing potential new partners to the children. This is often one of the hardest things a separating couple have to deal with. Even in situations where the separation has been amicable, the introduction of a new partner can cause problems, if not managed carefully. It is important that the children do not feel obliged to protect the other parent, for example, by disliking the new partner to save feelings.
6 Involve the children in future arrangements, for example, where they are going to live during the week and at weekends, and ensure that you present a united front on this so that the children do not feel they are having to choose between parents.
